Now Playing: REM - Everybody hurts
Yesterday, my grandfather passed away. I had no idea he was sick until the day before. I hate that being here means that people don't tell me what's going on at home, because they don't want to "worry" me for no reason, or because they don't think it's important enough for me to worry about. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. I also hate the distance. If I could go home for like the weekend, just to be with my dad and my grandmother, I would give anything for that. But I can't. And they don't want me to.
So I sit here alone, like several of my classmates that have lost friends and relatives this year, not sure what to feel or do or say, but just feeling a certain emptiness inside. I have a wonderfully supportive community here, like Rochelle and Lisa who came over last night without any question or hesitation, just knowing that I needed the company. For that, I will be forever grateful. But it still doesn't shake this fog, or this quesioning or these thoughts running through my mind about life and death and the frailty of it all.
I was so sad earlier this week when Karen's friend from home passed away from battling cancer for a long time. It hurt me so much to see my friend, Karen, in so much pain. And a lot of the time, I didn't feel like I knew the right thing to say or do for her, I just tried to be there for her. Now, I understand that that's all we can really do for each other. Just BE THERE, with an ear to listen to how a person feels or what the person needs, or a shoulder to cry on, or for nothing at all...just to let them know there is love and support for them, and that whatever they may be feeling is genuine and important, because it is what they are honestly feeling.
I love being here this year, you all know that. But I never imagined that when I said goodbye to my grandfather at the beginning of the year that it would have been the last time I spoke to him. I never imagined how hard it would be to lose someone and not have my family around me to grieve with them, or to be able to comfort them. I never imagined that in a year of such learning and exploring and possibilities and experiences, that some of those experiences would be sad, and challenging and difficult.
I know my grandfather is at peace now, he no longer has to struggle or suffer. I just wish I could have been there, or that I could be there now. Because it's sad here, on my own...not knowing what to do or say or feel. It's just sad.