Struggles
Now Playing: Shawn Colvin- Sonny came home
Some days, I just struggle.

I struggle with it all. I mean, that's what I'm here for, right? That's what I'm doing in rabbinical school...taking time to understand and learn and to figure myself and the Jewish people out in order to help others do the same. And I know that there's nothing more important to Judaism (or at least Reform Judaism) than the struggle. We need to stuggle with it and with ourselves each day in order to always better ourselves. And even Jacob wrestled with God. I know all this.
But some days it's hard.

Like today, I just kept thinking...how did I get here? What am I doing here? I feel like rabbinical school was just this momentum in my life and for a while I was in charge of it and had control over it, until one day i realized that it really had control over me. All the stuff getting ready for it, looking over and gathering stuff for the application (all the while just thinking, let's see where this goes) and then filling out the application and interviewing and waiting and getting in and going to israel....and now HERE! And here I am and I sort of don't remember how I got here.

I'm starting research for my D'var Torah that's in about a month. And I was in the library today looking at all sorts of commentaries and texts and getting nowhere and feeling frustrated and confused and I thought.....wow, I REALLY don't know how to do this. And I'm not used to feeling that way in my life. That's when I realized that rabbinical school has made me feel that way a lot this year. I don't know what I'm doing. But I always learn. I feel so much more confident in calling myself a "rabbinical student" now than I did at the beginning of the year. And I know after the D'var Torah process is over, I'll feel more confident there too...but right now, it's hard, and i'm struggling.

In my portion, Vayikra, it says "And he was called"...talking about Moses being called to recieve the laws of sacrifice. Was I called to this profession, or did I just happen upon it? And if I was called to it...why do I stuggle? Why do I feel like this is sometimes the one and only thing I could see myself doing, and other times I feel like this is so weird and such a bizarre thing to make my life out of. I feel so removed from my choice to enter into this profession because I get so caught up in the biblical grammar, and hebrew verbs, and i can't see what i'm doing.

I know this is right for me. I do. There is no where else I'd rather be than here. And I love it..i can honestly say I've loved my experience here so far and I would never trade it for anything. But still, I struggle. I struggle with my Judaism, and with my beliefs, and with God, and with my studies, and with myself. And most days it's a joy to struggle and to question and to discover new things. And some days... it's hard. And I have to remember that it will not always feel so bad, and that the hard days are good too. Maybe even better and more fruitful than the easy days. But sometimes, it's a struggle.