Realizations
Now Playing: Dido - Thank you
I had the strangest feeling yesterday. It was like, I don't know who I am anymore. Not like my personality or myself or anything, but like...what I used to be. My friend Phyllis received the new Jewish Studies Newsletter from IU (don't ask me why) and there was this article about me on it with a picture. Well, I actually was able to find it online, and as I was reading it, I realized that my life right now is so different from what it was just six months ago. Last year I won the Piser prize for being the most outstanding senior in Jewish Studies continuing on in the field (specific, I know). And the article talked a little about the prize and a lot about all the things I had done over the past four years, which looking back...was sort of a lot. Now those of you that know me well know that I do not like to brag, I do not like to boast, and nine times out of ten I would much rather be modest than arrogant. But damn....I was hot stuff! Besides the whole PBK and summa cum laude thing, I definately was super involved as an RA and student govt. member, worked with the chancellor on long-range planning, was spechler's TA...yada, yada, yada. I have to say that I was a big fish in a HUGEEEEEEE pond. I mean, IU has 40,000 some students and I always felt like I knew everyone on that campus and they knew me. Students, admin., faculty, res. staff...etc.
SO what's going on here? Why do I feel like such a small fish in a small pond? No, not even a pond...we're like a rain puddle here we're that small. Is it just that this is grad school and you have to work 10x harder just to even get noticed every once in a while? Is it that we all came from being the best of the best in what we were doing (and i know we were...I've talked to lots of people about this) and now we don't really stand out because we are all the best at what it is we do? Or is it that, technically, I'm just a "freshman" again, and that I need to spend the next five years working on becoming hot stuff again????

When I read that article about me, it was like I had forgotten all of that about me. I've been here for four months and i don't even recognize my old life...
I knew that I would come to Israel and struggle with a lot of stuff, but I really just thought it would be all related to Judaism, or the rabbinate, or school...not with my new role in all of this. And my lack of what I once was....
I'm sure this also relates back to my feelings of non-mentorship in this program so far. Maybe I would feel unique here or accomplished or something if i had someone who knew me more personally, like a faculty or administrator or something. Not like a friend, because like I said...I don't say these things to my friends...they don't need to know about my past accomplishments. We're all starting new, and that's what matters now, not all the old stuff. All that should really matter to them is my here and now...I mean, ultimately, isn't that the really the only thing that should matter to us in life?
Anyway...it just felt weird to read an article about someone, and then realize that it was really about you.

Shabbat has been nice so far. I had a lovely diner last night with friends (new and old) and then went to services this morning to hear Leah and Marcy sing...beautiful job ladies!!!!
Then, we just had a seriously impromptu lunch at our place..it was so random, but really turned out very nice indeed. Now I'm off to nap a little or do a little bit of work before tonight.
Have a lovely weekend y'all!!!!!