I'm really getting very sad about having to leave Israel. I'm also really starting to realize how little time I have left here. I leave in 18 days. That's like, nothing.
Katie B. gave a D'var Torah this morning that touched on the subject of or leaving, and I realized that every time people mention it, or I think about it...my heart begins to heart. I feel like I'm constantly walking around with this lump in my throat (you know, the kind you get right before you cry or are trying hard not to burst into tears) and that it takes a lot of effort nowadays to not give in to that lump and start sobbing.
Thr truth is, I am an emotional person and transitions are always really hard for me. I'm never good at ending things...ever. And this is such a radical kind of transition. I will never be in the same space with the same people in the same way again. And although I am sad about that, I know that I have the memories. And I know that I've lived my year to the fullest advantage. But I'm sad about the people I have to leave, about this life that I've come to love, that I have to leave.
I made a present for Tamar and I gave it to her today. I didn't want to not have time to give it to her before I left (or befor she went in to labor...she could go at any moment folks!!!) so I decided to give it to her today. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I ended up just telling her why I gave her what I gave, and a bit about how much she's meant to me this year as a teacher and a friend. I made a collage for her that is a quote from the movie "Dead Poets Society" and it talks about Poetry, and life and beauty and really contributing a verse to the powerful play of life. It's one of my all-time favorite movie quotes, and i think it was very appropriate and telling of our relationship this year. So, in a way, I feel a bit of closure with my relationship with her. Of course I'll say goodbye when I actually leave...but I needed to do this too...just to tell her how much she's contributed a verse to my play, this year.
I'm also having a hard time envisioning saying goodbye to Karen and her family. I, honestly, cannot even imagine it. She's come to feel like family to me, like a sister, like a best friend, and she's there, in and out, every day. And I cannot imagine what life will be like without her in it every day. I think my mind can't grasp the concept, because it knows that if I think about it, before it's time...my heart will simply break. It will just collapse.
Last night I was talking to my brother (because it was his birthday!!!) and he asked if I had started packing. Packing???? I said no way..and then he reminded me that I had been packing to come to Israel for like a month before I left. And I think psychologically, I haven't wanted to start because it means the end. I also feel like I've been pushing it off because of all of my papers, and studying for finals, and all sorts of end of the year requirements and deadlines and stuff...but the truth is, I really need to start packing. I'm going to be leaving in less than three weeks, and I can really start packing away (and making up my shipping boxes) some of the stuff that I don't wear and don't use during the spring/summer.
Maybe that will help me to get over the impending sense of sadness and loss that I feel, just throw myself into really getting out of here by May 28th. It's just...so hard. And I can't make this hurt inside of me stop. I feel it growing a bit bigger each day....and it's sad.
So what am I doing? I'm really trying to make the most of each day, and not be too sad, and just enjoy the moments that are left. Because that's what I'll remember from this year. Not the way I felt at the end...but the way in which I grew, the things I learned, the friends and friendships I gained, the experiences I had and the memories i created. It's the best any of us can ever hope for....just to love the way in which we've lived.